You’re Not to Blame

Content warning: This post covers sensitive topics regarding sexual assault, in observation of Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

One out of every six women has survived a rape or attempted rape. To put that into perspective, think of your close friend group. If you have five friends, one of you has probably experienced this.

I remember casually chatting with a friend once, and somehow we got on this topic. I was surprised to hear her hint that she had experienced something traumatic. I was too raw in my own experience to properly provide the support that she needed and for that I’m sorry.

I’ve had multiple experiences with sexual assault. Below is just one of those experiences.

I was in high school, and there was a house party. As sometimes happens at parties, there was alcohol.

At the time, I was seeing someone, and he was supposed to come to the party. When I realized he wasn’t coming, we got into an argument over the phone. My friends, naturally, tried to make me feel better.

Since alcohol was available, I used it to drown my feelings. To the point where the night becomes spotty. I’m underaged; I’m drunk. It definitely was not a shining moment, but I was in a safe environment.

Or so I thought.

There was one person there that I was not as close to that flirted with me. I was naive enough to assume that this was because he cared and wanted to cheer me up. I enjoyed flirting, but “knew” I was going to bed alone.

At this party, I knew I would have my own bed. So I got changed into some basketball shorts and an oversized t-shirt. I made my rounds to say goodnight to everyone.

Cue my spotty memory. I cannot quite remember how this guy showed up in the bed, but there he was. My memory comes to at the point where his hands are under my basketball shorts. I said no multiple times—my pleas falling on ignorant ears. Then I tried to roll away (as I was too drunk to get up and walk away). I rolled, and he just rolled me back.

The next instant my shorts were gone. Replaced by his head. I tried to cover myself up with my hands, but he moved them. I tried rolling again, to no avail. I remember thinking the word “help” but not actually being able to say it out loud.

The next morning I woke to find he had left early in the morning. So many thoughts ran through my head… This wasn’t rape. How could this even be sexual assault when it just seemed to be aimed at pleasing me? No one would believe me; I can barely remember what happened. I drank too much; I shouldn’t have drank that much. If I say something I will get in trouble for being intoxicated underage.

My close friends knew something was off even though I only told one of them. But the other girls were ready to fight someone, bring me ice cream, or just sit and listen—whatever I needed. Although they didn’t know what happened, they knew I needed support, and that is just what they gave me.

I’ve since talked to a therapist about this and other instances. I now understand that this was sexual assault and that I’m not to blame. I’m still working on the other instances which is why I’m choosing not to write about them.

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault, know that you’re not to blame. It doesn’t matter what you drank, what you wore, or what you said. The reaction of the first person you tell about trauma has a big impact on you emotionally. If someone opens up to you, support them. It can be as easy as just listening.

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault, know that I see you. There are people that can support you. RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) has a hotline you can call 800.656.HOPE (4673) or even try the live chat to speak with someone anonymously about your experience.

As always feel free to reach out to me. From one survivor to another, this does not define you. You are strong and you can get through this.

While going through a routine OBGYN appointment I was asked a series of questions. Somewhere between family health history and when my last pap smear was performed was a question that completely threw me off guard.

Had I ever experienced sexual assault?

I was so thrown by the question that I first answered no, then yes, then asked why I was being asked. The nurse practitioner told me that they like to be gentler with the exam with people that have experienced sexual assault.

Sexual assault is always traumatizing. Many times after a sexual assault the survivor can be triggered by seemingly random or trivial things. So asking this seemingly courteous question can bring someone right back to that horrific experience. So instead of trying to help survivors, you end up doing the opposite. I even encountered this question when working with a fertility clinic.

Don’t let anyone make you feel you have to tell them your story… It’s yours to tell.