Seeing the Hurt

I see you now. I didn’t really see you or your pain before—I just saw a friend who was sad and hurt, but I didn’t fully understand. Now, my vision is no longer blurred, and I see all of it: the pain, the loneliness, and the anxiety.

Trudging through medical complications with a spouse in the military brings a whole new twist to this crazy ride.

I never imagined that I would ever be in a situation like I’ve seen others in, one in which my husband was away and I had to have courage to fight.

My husband and I have been blessed beyond measure with two beautiful children. While we joked that it was always, “two and done,” we also opened ourselves up to the possibility of one more. We even had names picked out—one boy name and one girl name.

My journey started with unusual and extreme pain that led me to an appointment with my OBGYN. I sat in the room without a care because I figured we would change up some medication and call it a day.

Apparently, other plans were in store for me.

I walked out of her office and sat in my car, not knowing how to feel, replaying her words over and over again in my head.

“We need to set up a procedure soon and remove some things… After this, any chance of a pregnancy will end in a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, so you need to have your tubes tied as well.”

This is where I now see you and feel your pain. We may all have different experiences and different pains, but I understand the lack of control I have over not being able to carry another child. Whether I wanted one or not, my choice was gone. It pains me to not see my husband’s blue eyes shining up at me like our other two children or seeing my smile in another child’s face. As I said, I now understand how truly blessed I am, because I was able to experience two pregnancies that resulted in two wonderful children. While I understand my blessings more than ever, I also cringe every time my daughter unknowingly asks for a little brother or sister or draws pictures with three kids. I look at my friends who are just now having babies, and I’m so happy for them, but I also feel a raw feeling that I’ve never felt before.

I’m 31, and I find myself saying, “I am too young to experience this feeling” over and over again in my head. My husband is in the National Guard. He isn’t supposed to miss big events—that’s for active-duty families… or so I thought.

This has shown me that National Guard (or Reserve) spouses deal with some of the same struggles as other military spouses.

How wrong and naive I am. Yes, my husband has missed birthdays, recitals, and other events, but I never imagined him missing my surgery. I’m so thankful for my family being able to help me with my children and during recovery. While I have my small tribe, I understand and feel the loneliness of not having my number one with me during this. I think back to my friends who have given birth or experienced miscarriages without their spouses near them because of the military. I feel for them. Also, my heart goes out to those overseas that do not have family nearby. I’ve developed a greater respect for my grandma, who gave birth in many countries while she was on orders with my grandpa but didn’t have her family nearby.

While each of us experience our fair share of heartbreak during life, especially as military spouses, I appreciate and understand the need for our own battle buddies—our friends that support us while our service member cannot physically be there for us.

I see them, too, and their unconditional love and willingness to drop everything to help.

While I am not a seasoned military spouse, I have had my share of the bond between military spouses and how they come together to conquer the hard parts of life. Whether that’s an offer to watch children, bring a meal over, help with errands, or just someone to cry and talk with about the struggles, without these bonds, life as a military spouse would be beyond hard.

It can be uncomfortable at times to put yourself out there for others (I know it is for me), but this has taught me the importance of forming those relationships and bonds. You will never know how you can impact another’s life or how someone can impact yours.

As I reflect over the recent whirlwind weeks, I am reminded to thank those who have helped me in any form (even a text), to reach out to those who are struggling and see how I can help, and to share any resources I find.

Remember, I see you now and can empathize with your struggles, even if different than mine. I see your pain and frustration of not having your service member nearby. I relate to the frustrating questions of, “Why me?!”

I urge you to find your battle buddies.

Look for positive encouragement.

Seek out educational resources.

Engage with others.

You never know what amazing advice or help they may bring.