We’re Failing

I’ve known since I was in college that someday I wanted to have kids. I discovered sometime after that I actually have a maternal instinct. When I was in grad school, I came to understand that not all women have this maternal instinct.

However, having a maternal instinct doesn’t mean that you automatically know what to do when it comes to kids. I know, there is no one right answer for how to raise a kid (no matter how many times I ask Santa for a manual). There are times I know what I want to do while raising Owen, and there are definitely times I’m just at a loss of where to even begin.

I had a different experience of birthing my son than most American mothers. I gave birth in Germany and then moved back to the states when my son was almost four months old. As soon as we moved back everything shut down because of COVID.

Playgroups quickly became non-existent. I don’t have an established group of mothers where I live with kids Owen’s age. And there really isn’t much you can do to socialize your children at the moment.

Recently, I took Owen to his 15-month doctor appointment. I’ve always disliked the questionnaire that they have you fill out. I pay attention to my child, but I don’t know everything he can or cannot do (I do not know if he can put three blocks on top of each other for instance).

Whenever I came to a question I wasn’t sure if he could do it, I would put “not yet” as my answer. Apparently, I did that for too many questions. Therefore, during our appointment, the doctor handed me papers and told me that Owen scored in the “questionable” range for some of the areas and these papers were to help him improve.

I didn’t question it because I assumed she was mainly talking about his speech. He can say “mama” and “dada,” but that’s it. Now, he’ll have full-on conversations with you, there are just no words. He’ll even wait for you to respond before he “speaks” again.

One of the open-ended questions was “Does your child talk like a normal toddler?” My response was literally, “How would I know?” We only hang out with one family, so I really don’t know how other toddlers his age act.

Instead of addressing the fact that I seemed unsure of things, they handed me the paperwork and considered the task complete. Once the doctor left the room I actually looked at the papers. It was literally for every area of the questionnaire.

Immediately upon my discovery, I felt this immense sense of failure. Not only did I feel that I was failing my son, but also myself in the fact that I didn’t know I was failing. It made me think of when I would take a test and knew I was doing poorly. Only this time I failed this test and didn’t even realize it.

There was no discussion of what Owen’s abilities were. Actually, the doctor was only in the room for less than 10 minutes. She checked his heart, breathing, eyes, and ears. Then she asked if I had any questions. I did, but only about his walking; otherwise, I just assumed he was fine.

Let me say, that since the appointment, I’ve talked to my mom and other moms, and in my unprofessional opinion, Owen is not only fine but thriving. I also want to point out that I recognize I’m extremely lucky. I have a child, and he is healthy. And I only know what happens at the doctor’s office that I frequent.

However, I can’t be the only parent that has walked away from a doctor’s appointment feeling like a failure and not knowing what to do. It seems as if there is an assumption that you’ll ask questions if you have any concerns. But as a new parent, you don’t know what you don’t know. And with COVID, there aren’t groups of children hanging out.

If Owen was around other kids of his age, he would naturally pick up on things that they do—good or bad. I would also notice if he was different from those kids. So for now, I shall dream of when the world is safe enough for playgroups again.

Looking for more parenting articles? Check out Celebrating New Babies (From a Distance) and Go Easy On Yourself.